because pusang_gala told me to update and we are absolutely converting this into a fan girling station yo! XD so I am alive again!

This has been going in my mind for awhile. So what's wrong with it? Nothing. Except that it's wrong and it's you. Got it?

How could I fall for someone so easily? Now I do have to suffer the consequences of my actions. I am forced to just watch and do nothing because I really can't do anything. And falling for him was the biggest mistake of my life.
Listen.

Scene 1
Me: If I asked you to guess who I like in the class, can you tell? You have only one try.
Nida: ____(name)_____
Me: *in denial* him? No.
Nida: Oh. Then who? *after much prodding*
Me: ... You were right on your first guess.
Nida: I knew it.
Me: Is it obvious?
Nida: Well, he obviously likes you. Monica and a lot others knew it.

Scene 2
Me: Hey, you know that guy who went here? You know, he is good at guitars. Really.
My brother: Ahh.
Me: You know I like him. Though I always get beaten up by him. He's naughty *laugh*
My brother: Maybe he has a crush on you?
Me: Me? No! He has a gf already.

Yeah and he's taken. So what do I do with the situation? Nothing. It started as a playful act. We hurt each other and we kill each other. Who cares? But I did like him. It started even before I knew it. The actions that he shows now was beyond normal. Beyond friendship and to think that he already has a gf. Before he wouldn't care if he had hurt me. But now, things seem so different. I like...

The way he would gather my bangs and brush them up so that I could see. The way he would mess my hair accidentally just because he likes it. The way he would fix my hair because he knows it's messy and would let it down to balance it. The way he would pat my head just to soothe and calm me. The way he would pinch my cheeks and sometimes force me to smile just because he likes to do so. The way he would wipe the corners of my mouth because he thinks I'm drooling because of him. The way he would wipe the corners of my mouth just because he had the urge to do so. The way he would hold my hand to apologize or pull me close next to him. The way he would tap his fingers on my cheek. The way he had once held my hand and placed it on his shoulder that I almost couldn't fight the urge to hug him. The way he would whisper so close in my ear I could feel his breathing. The way he would tickle me at my side that I fell of my chair then he goes to me and pull me up again. The way he would put his arm around me because he wanted to choke me. The way we would play games like no-laughing-or-else-you-lose-and-suffer and I always lose because he likes to make faces. The way he would sit in my chair and I end up sitting on the floor of the classroom. The way he would put his head on my hand after he has captured it because he thinks I'm angry. The way he would bite my arm's skin playfully because it hurts me. The way he would put his head on my lap. The way he would teach me how to play a certain song in the guitar. The way he would just sit close. The way I could watch him sleep in class while listening to his cd's. The way he would beg my seatmate to exchange seats just so he could sit beside me. The way he would force me to eat. The way he would text me just to ask what I'm doing and all nothings he loved to ask. The way he would text me first thing in the morning just to ask how I was the night before because I haven't slept. The way he would tell me not to cry because of school pressure. The way he would curse because of his concern when I found out that my clearance was lost and would ask me again and again if I had found it. The way he would ask me to share what I eat with him. The way I could pound on him and he wouldn't complain about it. The way he would ask me to tie his short hair. The way he would come over at my house just because he enjoys it even if he does nothing. The way he would put all his weight and fall on me so I could end up squirming and ready to kill him. The way he would beg me to do something for him. The way he would ask me to call him then we would talk over hours until dawn. The way he would play me songs over the phone.

For him, this is simple infatuation since I know, and I should know that he is so much in love with his girlfriend. But what about me? It's once in a lifetime that I get to find someone I really like and might love and content me, but he's taken.

He shouldn't be doing this to me. He doesn't know how much it hurts me.

And I should have known to not let the feeling reach this depth now. It's only becoming more and more harder to get the hell out, though I tried to will myself before to stop the allusions so I could get on with my life once more.

Oh yeah. Our class had an outing yesterday which is compromised of the following people: Dhan, Nida, Jan Jan, Wences, Vic, Luisse, Lance, Alvin and Peter. Well, those were the first few ones who arrived at Chowking, our meeting place. We arranged to pay for the cottage at Villa Diaz while those who will follow will be the food providers. Yeah.

Monica followed around maybe 10-11 am, then Gelo that around 12-1 pm then Balma who didn't stay very long, then by Faye who we have to provide and contribute to have her in.

All is well and happy.

Most especially for me.

He had been there. All through out. I wasn't supposed to go anymore since my oka-san had started to nag me again. But, it was my class. It's an outing for us. And I will totally die if I can't go. Be it because of him or not.

I was on the verge of tears that morning while waiting for others to come at the meeting place. I had kept quiet while they laugh. Every once in a while they comfort me but not one had seen the tears coming except him. He asked me what was wrong, refused to answer since I myself don't know. The tears welled up in my eyes and I had felt his hand wipe the corners of my eyes and asked me not to cry. Nida had consoled me too that everything will be okay.

And I trust them. I do.

We left, he had sat by me, asked me to smile and made me smile, offered to carry my belongings and asked me if I was ok. I am now, though a bit troubled.

During the entire outing, he was always just a few meters from me, every now and then checking up on me, making me eat and things like that. I had fun because of him. He was quick to my side when he hears me mutter a single groan or 'ouch'. He urged me to swim when I wasn't supposed to swim because of many reasons. He made the day worthwhile.

The afternoon before we left when I was feeling tired, he had tried to sleep on my lap. I wanted to sleep too so I just leaned my head on the table. He sensed that so we switched places and I had a bit of rest before we left. We were left at the cottage and he had given me time to arrange before we left. This time he had paid for my fare and I was sorry to have departed with him when it was time to go already.

However, he did texted me when I was at home and asked me to rest and sleep. And I did follow him. I missed him already.

---

My situation had been blissful. I had felt someone caring for me for the first time with that much attention. So what's wrong? Nothing.

Except that he had a girlfriend already.

We have crossed boundaries and limitations. Even if you count for how much I liked it, it isn't right. And I do like him. I might begin to think that I do love him.

I was curious to know how is his relationship faring with his gf. Maybe somepart of me is hoping that it should break up though it's evil. Can I be worthing more than her? I had seen some arguments in his fone but it could mean nothing right?

I'm sorry. For me and him.

Now that I know that we have mutual feelings for one another, and I can't imagine being away from him and letting him go... how can I stay two months with him on my mind?

Oh God.

Why I would make another blog when I already have one is beyond my knowledge. I find the purposes of my other public blog limited. To count the number online journals that I have made already, that must have count to 3, including this of which, didn't last very long.  

But for the same purpose, this would be the rant haven for my more personal rantings.

Well then, welcome me, minna.